Modern dating has a tendency to move quickly.
The world of online dating allows us to chat and meet whoever we take a liking to by the swipe of a finger – it’s like our own personal candy buffet.
The fast-paced nature of modern dating brings with it new trends – and not all of them are good.
‘Stashing’ is the latest frowned upon the trend.
No, they aren’t stashing away Mars Bars. Instead, they’re stashing you away!!!
What exactly does ‘stashing’ mean?
So, you’ve met a great guy/girl, and it seems to be going really well.
You like them, and you hope they like you too. The weeks pass, and the dates continue, then before you know it, it’s been 2 months, but you begin to notice something odd…
You haven’t met their friends or family, and they don’t mention you at all on social media. You may as well be invisible!!!
Not only does this lead to confusion about where your relationship is going, but it can lead you to feel pretty rubbish about yourself.
Stashing vs. Ghosting
You just got back from an amazing date, the conversation was flowing, sparks were flying, and at the end of it, they smiled at you and told you they’d message you soon.
While ‘stashing’ isn’t quick – instead, you’re lured into a false sense of security. You’re made to believe they like you, and this could go somewhere.
Only to find out that they don’t like you enough to introduce you to their world. Basically, you’re stuck being someone’s dirty secret, which on paper doesn’t sound all that great.
They make excuses for you not to meet their friends/family/acquaintances. You name it, they don’t want you to meet them – and if you mention this to them, they get defensive about it.
They avoid talking about ‘where your relationship is going’ at all costs.
They shy away from public outings together. Even the mere suggestion of grabbing a coffee with you is enough to make them look like they’ve seen a monster.
You don’t exist on their social media. In fact, there’s a big chance they haven’t even accepted your friend request.
Reasons Why You’re Being Stashed?
Getting inside of a ‘stashers’ mind, well, yeah, it’s complicated – it’s likely they’ve got some serious commitment issues going on.
Perhaps they were hurt in the past, so they’re nervous about letting you fully into their lives, or maybe they just don’t know what they want?
Excuses aside, ‘stashing’ someone is lame.
No one deserves being used and strung along, so if this is happening to you, then you have every right to confront your ‘stasher’ and ask them for answers.
They’re Using You
Being used sucks – especially when it’s by someone you believe you have a connection with.
We all just want to find love, so when someone we let into our lives tries to shut us out of theirs, well, it hurts!
If they only want to see you in secret, and don’t invite you along to their friends’ party, or for a coffee meetup with their mom, then the truth is they probably don’t want anything serious with you.
You deserve better than being a bit of relief for some time-waster. Whatever their reasons for not wanting anything serious with you, they should have the guts to tell you this.
They don’t know what they want
They might tell you they really like you and to give them some time – but ask yourself this, in a month’s time do you envisage anything changing?
Someone who doesn’t know what they want is unlikely to figure this out anytime soon.
If you go along with this because you like them, then this gives them permission to carry on ‘stashing’ you away from their outside life.
They want to see other people
They get the fact that If no one knows about you, then there’ll be no one judging them when they go off with other people.
By ‘stashing’ you, they’re trying to condone the fact that you guys aren’t serious. Therefore they are free to do as they please.
You might be hopeful that the more you see this person, the more they’ll start to like you.
Chances are if they don’t want anything serious now, then a month down the line, this won’t have changed.
They’re power crazy
They know that all they need to do is send you a message and you’ll be there. Yet they make-up loads of excuses not to involve you in their social lives.
When you like someone, it’s normal to long for them to realize just how much they like you too, and suddenly change their rubbish behavior.
But, this is unlikely to happen. Do you really want to be stuck being someone’s ‘booty call’ forever?
Power crazy people feed off the control they have over others. So, by giving in to their every need, you’re only fuelling their fire.
Is there an excuse for ‘stashing’?
So, you like this person so much that you took them along to your friend’s BBQ, and even invited them as your plus one to your cousin’s wedding.
But they went out on a couple’s night, without you! And they went around for Sunday lunch at their brothers and didn’t take you with them.
This is extra confusing behavior, as they’re willing to meet your friends and family. Yet, they don’t want you to meet theirs – talk about mixed messages.
Is there any excuse for why they’re acting like this? Or is it all a game to them?
They’ve just come out of a serious relationship
If they were with their ex for a long time, then perhaps they aren’t ready to introduce you to their friends and family.
If they planned their lives with their ex, then it all fell apart, they’re probably left feeling embarrassed.
Introducing a new partner to their loved ones makes your relationship very real. For someone who’s been hurt, this can seem super scary.
If you believe this is the reason why the guy/girl you’re seeing is ‘stashing’ you, then it’s best that you talk to them about it, and calmly explain how you feel.
For your relationship to move to the next level, then they need to involve you in their life – if they aren’t prepared to do this, then it sounds like they need more time for their head and heart to heal.
How to handle being ‘stashed’?
You’ve established the fact that that guy/girl you like is purposely hiding you away from their real lives.
When you like someone and you’re having an intimate relationship with them, it’s easy to convince yourself that they just need time.
But the truth is that no one deserves to be kept a secret – so when you know this is happening to you, you need to do something about it.
So, what exactly should you do now?
Don’t fall into the trap
Being around them might be amazing – so when they send you a message asking you over, it’s natural to want to say YES!
But, by doing this, you’re basically telling them that they can treat you as they please.
If you want more from this relationship, then you need to message them back and ask them, ‘where it’s going?’
Don’t wait until you’re at their place to ask them, as it’s likely that when you see their sparkly eyes, you’ll convince yourself that everything’s fine.
Bring up friends and family
Test the waters by discussing your friends and family. If they seem uncomfortable and try and change the subject, then take this as a sign that they’re ‘stashing’ you.
You deserve to know where you stand with this person – no one wants to be in a secret relationship FOREVER!
Besides, by being with them, you’re preventing yourself from meeting someone else who’s after the real deal.
Should you confront your ‘stasher’?
Carrying on in a relationship where you’re feeling unfulfilled isn’t going to do you any good.
Yes, when you’re in the bubble of just them and you, it may be amazing – but this bubble isn’t real.
You can’t live in a facade – so if you know they’re hiding you away from their reality, then you deserve it to yourself to put a stop to it!
Don’t be a pushover
Okay, so having a full-blown argument isn’t advisable – but this doesn’t mean that you should just give in to them.
Ask yourself, do you want to waste your time on someone who isn’t serious about you? Or do you want to get out there and find something real?
Simply tell them that you want more – and if they try to fob you off with lame excuses, then don’t fall for them!
Don’t let low self-esteem make you believe that being treated like this is okay – it’s not!
It’s easy to convince yourself that ‘one more meetup won’t hurt.’ But think about the after-effects to your mental wellbeing?
Take the plaster off now and tell them you can’t carry on like this – stay strong, and never falter.
Don’t get into an argument, or let them try and fill your head with false promises.
For every idiot out there that can’t commit to you, there’s also someone willing to give you the world – so give up with the time-wasters and go find someone who sees your worth.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is ‘stashing’ in dating?
Basically, you’re involved in an intimate relationship with someone, and you believe it’s going somewhere.
But then it dawns on you that it’s been 2 months and you haven’t met a single one of their friends or family members, and when it comes to their social media, you may as well not exist.
2. Are you being ‘stashed’?
If you like a guy/girl and want to take it to the next stage (meeting their loved ones), but they’re full of excuses why you can’t, then it sounds like you’re being ‘stashed.’
Whether they’re a commitment-phobe, they want to keep their options open, or they aren’t sure what they want – it sounds like they just aren’t ready to commit to you.
3. How do you hide that you’re dating someone?
You don’t tell a single friend or family member about them. In fact, when asked, you tell them you’re not seeing anyone.
You make sure to have dates in places you’re unlikely to run into people you know.
You never invite them round when your housemates are in, and you change your social media settings so they can’t tag you in public posts.
If you’re doing this to someone, then you need to ask yourself why? As it sounds like you’re just ‘stashing’ them to fill a void, and you’re not really that into them.
As human beings, we all have built-up emotions and anxieties – but transferring these onto other people isn’t cool.
As much as you like someone, don’t let them hide you away.
You deserve to meet their friends and family, and for them to tag you in that photo from that restaurant you were at together.
If they’re capable of posting a picture of their ‘delicious’ pizza, then they can easily post a picture of you!
They want intimacy, but that’s all they want. Yet they aren’t adult enough to just come out with it and tell you this.
Instead, they give you a false optimism that you’re more than you’re not! Which leaves you stuck in a weird limbo state, while they feel like they have the green light to carry on being a jerk.